A Young Writer's Mind

2021

2020

"Dream" boy: The thought of him is embedded into her mind like a song on replay. No matter how much she tries to avoid him, she always comes back crawling to him. It is sickening how fast he moved on as if she was never there, as their all-nighters meant nothing to him. As if their walks were just for the purpose of exercise. Why won't he admit he loves her? Why must he stick with insulting her just to cover up his own feelings. Like him, she started hiding it too. As she  tells him of other "crushes" that unfortunately don't exist, they are just replicas of him with a different name. It’s a shame for her, that he can’t see the damage he causes her. Maybe if he did then he could at least cut her off for good instead of dragging her through dirt. (1/6/20)

The architect in black : Who are you? Why do you wander into the space of others? It felt like I knew you. I felt your eyes peer down my back. I felt your curiosity. But I didn't run. I had to know who you were. What you purpose of observing me was for? I always had a love towards mysteries and you brought one to me. Who are you? I felt like I knew you.                    -From one mystery to another (2/8/20) 

 Castle: She was removed from her passion, longing for a paper and pen. But there was this block in her mind. Was it reality? Was it fake? Was she in damnation? It didn't matter, because now she broke the block and returned to her castle of determination. (2/9/20) Died: Do not think I died! I was here watching every breath you devoured, every step you facilitated. Yet all you noticed was the back of a forgotten soul, not the mind of an observer. So before you think I died. Surprise.................i'm alive. (2/9/20)

Desiring: He was compelling, a stranger to her eyes. She felt like a maiden in distress, desiring his  glance. “Why did he look at her with eyes of greed” and “how did he have power over a siren”, she questioned. However, even though she knew he was dangerous, she had already fell under the spell of desire. (06-03-20) 

Seemed:  She seemed better, ready to take on the world and its challenges. Until she was closed in her  castle and free to release the flood of tears that emerged from her coffee brown eyes. Maybe she wasn’t as ready as she thought she was to take on the game of Love.  So she laid awake with the rushing thought,  that they lay asleep without a single thought of her. (6/07/20)

My hero: “Please come home soon”, she mumbled as tears emerged from her eyes. How could she be happy, when her hero was out risking his life for a broken world. How could she stay strong knowing that the chaos could take her hero anytime. She knew that was the price to pay for being a hero, her hero. Obicham te Tati, proud of you.  Red Flags: He kept running through her mind, as another ran through his. She knew he didn’t like her truly, only the idea of having someone want him. Though she purposely  ignored all the red flags,it hit her like a train, as usual. She wasn’t the one who made him smile, it was his past. She couldn’t be his love, somebody else was. So she had to pack her hopes up and leave. (06/08/20)

Aura: There was an aura of peace that flew around the cafe as everyone was busy working hard as the enchanted day foretook them. The people talked and admired the presence of one another after being enclosed for weeks. The coffee server held a mysterious welcoming smile as he took their orders. It was truly beautiful, seeing humanity at its finest: smiling, working, thinking, and being their true selves. There was an aura of peace that flew around the cafe and it was very special. (06/08/20)

Amazing: Who is he? Just four months ago, he was the kid sitting 4 seats away, attempting to solve the problems displayed on the cream paper. Yet now he was the boy who summoned joy and hope from the lost girl. Sitting in the large cubicle she never pictured him as one to enter her mind daily, but there he was producing light in times of darkness that shone upon society. “Who is this boy”, she pondered at night. Yet no matter where her mind went, it always found it way back to one word “amazing”. That’s who he is. (06/09/20)

Writer: She could  sense the presence of a fellow observer among her. She felt  power watching people without their knowledge. Seeing their reactions and hearing their conversations. It felt like one was living a life that was not of their own.  Maybe that was the best part of being a writer. Composing moments that seem priceless and creating a beautiful canvas from them. (06-10-20)

Clean Slate: The smell of coffee lingered in the cafe, as the humane discussed their pride and miseries, putting faith into each other, as if the history of the past had no connection to the current. It was as if everything was restarted…. a clean slate. (6/25/20)

Monthly calls: The conversations felt harder to carry on. She was gone in another place and the girl was without her, catching glimpses of what love was supposed to feel like. Isn’t a role model supposed to be there for their follower? Isn’t a relationship supposed to exist amongst them? Slowly the daily calls turned into weekly...monthly calls and the girl no longer felt the love she felt when she was with her. (6/25/20)

Master: The basis of being an observer for so long, is that the patterns of humanity become known to the simple mind. So well known, that every step, thought, and breath of others could be foretold. She was therefore: the author of her life, the master of words, and the creator of stories. (6/25/20)

2019

Attention: She felt like a disappointment an attention addict who craved a constant feeling of approval. Hoping that one day she could find her true joy and not false happiness. Though how could her joy be truly achieved when all her life she was portraying a fulfilled lifestyle.  She really wanted to escape the darkness where her attention seeking mind had grown. (1/4/19)

Forbidden:  As danger lingers at every corner the fragile girl froze feeling unsafe in its shadow still. She knew the world had become forbidden.  It was a furious haunting that echoed insolence in her mind. The throne she once knew had vanished. She felt no longer sated and her reverence disappeared until she became one of them. (1/12/19)   

Different: You can't be like others you were made different with different morals and life sets. Which brings me to say it is pointless to try to live a life like others and look at them as if their life is gospel truth. When in reality they all have problems like you. But when you were too busy looking into their "happy" life you obviously missed the most important part, the deep sorrowful pain that endears them deeply in their heart. (1/13/19) 

Pretending: It's sad how much a smile can hide a thousand lies. As they sit there pretending everything is okay and they ignore the elephant in the room.  Is it real or  all pretending. Is the truth going to come out?  Will she try to figure him out or will she be busy hiding her own secrets. To busy in the web of past mistakes that are attempted to disguise with a pretending smile. (1/3/19)

Whole: The only way to bring a broken family together was for a tragic event to happen. One that would bring the family back together as a whole. (1/13/19)

The one: You think you will be happy with the one. Yet the pain of the past will always haunt you. Because you thought he was the one for you and he will make you happy. Yet a part of you knows that it will be impossible to move on. You could hope for a better future but there will always be the pain of losing your first love.  (1/5/19)

Change: There was a change in her heart, perhaps it was the life-changing dialogue she had with her guardians, or maybe the entrance of a lover into her life. She felt renewed and joy, a feeling she thought to have lost a millennia ago. Perhaps there was something in her lover or her parents that wasn't discovered yet until a recent change of events. Her mom and dad appeared to care deeply for her and she finally felt a sense that they would never give up on her. As for the lover he was different than those of the past. Something caught her attention in him perhaps it was another silly crush but she felt a deep daring sense of longing for him. When he was gone she felt like the world was ended. She cherished every second of being with him, this was a feeling she had never had for anyone. She hoped he felt the same way and that she was also bringing joy to him. The girl was in a happy place for the first time in a long time, and nothing would change that, she was determined. (2/1/19)

 "Friend": He broke her heart without a clue he would. It was as if he snuck behind her back and attacked her. She knew from the start it would lead to her heartbroken in two pieces, but she was wrong about one thing. Her heart shattered to one million pieces instead of just two. She had been cut by a boy whom she laid her love on. Just the night before she dreamt a sweet dream of him. A dream she thought to have foretold the future, but instead, it opened a loophole where her heart sank. As much as she wished him out of her mind his voice, smile and heart were still haunting her memory.  Yet she couldn't come to the realization that yet another boy would walk away with the heart she just merely put back together. As she lay with tears running down her cheek she found a weak laugh exit through her mouth. She whispered," Congrats you played yourself". It was there all along. Him hugging others and flirting with others what made her feel special. She was just his friend. (2-12-19)  

Rival: As morning towered over the small city the girl's phone buzzed with a twinkle like sound. She checked her communicator to find a message that was not sent from her normal senders, but it was actually from the rival whom she fell for. They were both from the same world but different teams. She knew that if she told the person she desired him it would lead to a war between the teams or perhaps it would be the cause of unity among them. So she decided to take the risk and speak to him what had been on her mind in the two years she knew him. Now she sat wondering is it possible for her wish to come true could she be the Juliet to this Romeo?  (2/20/19)

Fear: To what point does a man feel so much pain that he threatens to take his own life. I have felt the wounds of the devil's sword, but i cannot imagine feeling like that  all the time. Never being able to forgive myself for my sins and having absolutely nothing to live for. Allowing fear to drive me to insanity. Letting the fear drive me into diminishment.  He was  afraid of being exposed to the humankind, but he had nothing to fear. For if he did fear he would be powering the enemy which itself was the root of it all. (2/20/19)

Humans: I'm turning into one of them. One who disconnects from the nature of his origins. There are two types of people those who follow and those who lead. I like to think of myself as a leader. But in reality i am just the same as these brainless zombies who are called humans. We are all just a brand. We are the Nike everyone wants. We are just followers of this huge account that controls our life and who we become. All our interests derive from a corrupt game of life.  A lie. (3/28/19)

Known:  She disguises the pain through a series of laughs. Through a series of jokes. Through a series of fakeness. Who knows the real her? Even her grandma told her that she doesn't know the girl she raised. Since she had many personalities. She swears she is normal. Don't you see? Can't you tell me for me? Or do i have you locked up. I mean she. "Not me!" Does she trick you into thinking who she can be? Well surprise that's me. The she you thought you could see. She will be okay. Don't worry she has the big he.  That can see the true me. (4/9/19)

Tired: She is tired of trying. She wants to give up. Her body get restless from trying so hard to get something she will NEVER possess or cherish . Hasn't she learned that she can't attain them all.  Nope. No. She hasn't learned. When will she? When will she stop breaking herself. When will she stop the tears that drain from her sockets the second she arrives home. Perhaps she should perish. FOREVER. Then she may cherish them.  (4/9/19)

Okay: A unhidden mystery lays in the vision of others. Lays in the knowledge they already thought they knew.  The girl pretends so much to be a joyous, happy, crazy in love type girl. Until she has them fooled. The them that raised her. The them that see her everyday in the education ward. She even believes it herself for a time.  Until she lays in bed . Choking on the lies she portrays all day. Wishing they would see the real her. Wishing her act wouldn't need to be cosplayed all day. Until she gets the question, " ArE YOU okAY?" And she thinks  NO I'M NOT OK. But says, "Nah mate i'm good! I'm fine!" (4-9-19)

Bye:  She was officially damaged. You would think she has learned from all the past experiences but no. She didn't learn and now she would have to pay the price. Maybe it was time to quite. Forget maybe. She is done. She is giving up. All of them finally won. Finally she was the sailor and they were the sirens. Finally she was damaged. Bye. (4-13-19)

Puffs: He puffs with every inhale his memories vacate. With every exhale he is taken away from his family. Taken away from his children. Taken away from his spouse. Taken away from pure joy. From the truth. (5-9-19)

Loss: Their attention is condemned in the soul of a post. They live their lives to be sure that everyone on the online world can see what they do. Can see what they think. Though somewhere in the foreign nature is a girl. A girl who escapes the control of the media. Yet though they laugh at her for not being a copy of them. Is it really her loss? (5-9-19)

New: He was new to this girl. A type she would have thought to figure out. Though this boy was different. His outer side gave him the perplexation of being a person who lacked empathy. Yet she got to know him more and was derived to the realization that he too had a cover like her. When speaking to him he entered the inner boy and what she saw there was not a figment of anger. It was one of a kind-hearted soul. (5-15-19) 

Middle: In fair Verona lay two lovers. One who loved the soul of materialistic objects and the other who loved the soul of nature. One who condemned their love into fast beat lyrics the other who was stuck in a heavy metal trance. Both them resembled her. She was not one of the two. Instead she was the referee stuck in the middle of her two hearts. Instead this scene laid not in Verona, but in her home of Hurst. (5-26-19)

Love: Would he love her if he knew the truth? The truth that remain displayed behind doors. Would he love the girl that talks to herself when she is lost?  Will he love her when she accuses him of false theories? Will he love her when she cries at the struck of 4:12 A.M? Will he love her when she laughs like a maniac? Will he love her if he knew that she only wanted happiness from him? (5-26-19)

Think: Humanity thinks it knows her. Humanity believes it understands her stories. Humanity believes it is the same as her. She is a joke to all. She is a joke to you and your fellow robots i mean humans. Do i mean humans? What are humans? Who are humans? Where did they come from? Why did they act like they knew her? Why did they love her? Why did they kill her? (5-28-19)

Imagine: Imagine a world of peace. A world that isn't filled with addictive souls and controlling leaders. A world where everyone is free to be themselves without worrying about unsolved conspiracies. Imagine a ZOOTOPIA in real life. A kumbaya to everyone's life, perhaps even a cherry on top of this wonderful world. Yes, this wonderful world, that we will never live in. That we will never experience, That is why we can only simply imagine. (6-8-19)

Nice: Cool waves, chill breeze, hot sun, and melting ice cream. This is summer! Isn't it nice? A time of season where students only worry is finishing their summer homework and losing weight before they see their crush at the nearby recreational pool. Whew! No worrying about testing, early alarms, missing the bus, or going to rehearsal. Isn't it nice? Many whom are privileged, get frozen yogurt, a new car, beach travels, and hanging out with friends! Isn't it nice? Yet somewhere in the world lay families that only get the luxuries to occasional water and scraps of food. Isn't that nice? No it isn't. It isn't nice to face reality. To face the truth, that remains hidden to most people who don't seek it. Though as long as life throws struggles and ice cream and homework at me, I shall say, "this is nice!" (6-8-19)

Fall: Why did you fall for me? You don't even know me. You don't even like me. You don't really want me. At least, i hope you don't. If you did you won't be first. You won't be last, Yet you will know more than I. For, I don't know me. I don't like me. I don't want me. I hope you do. And if thy hope comes true you won't be the first stab or last stab in my fallen heart.   (6-20-19)

Saying: She hears them saying,"You're not alone!" "We LOVE you." Yet a saying is a compromise of words into one. She knew better than to trust words. Fore words were a broken man's shield and a wise woman's weapon. Words were what caused her pain. What caused her midnight drops.  Words imputed into a saying were what caused her death. (6/20/19)

Life: They live in a continues cycle called, "life." It is mysterious. It is exciting! It is a scary list of steps. The first step is being a baby. These "baby" creatures are pure, their innocence radiates  from kilometers away. Their minds not yet polluted with the drugs of life.  The next step is named  "toddlers" and "children". These children become introduced to the good and evil of the world. Their minds already determine which to become and follow. Little do they know that they are ingesting toxic chemicals of lies from their surroundings. After the "children" step, come "teenagers". This species is strange and heartbreaking to watch. Many of them end up skipping to the final step. by inhaling toxic smoke and drinking forbidden liquids. Others wonder why they should keep going with the steps when they can skip to the last one and be winners. To those that make it past step three comes "adulthood", these are the times when the species has a chance of creating more creatures to contribute more to the cycle. In these times the "adults" play their game of life monopoly. As they do their best not to think about the last step. The step following the "adults" is "Elders". The most unfortunate people, who are the truest. They rush their time to caution the children and adults on what to do with their lives in order to preserve themselves from their expiration date. The last step is saddening and sometimes the victory step "death". Once you die......................to be continued.  (6-23-19)

Stampede: Finally an aura of peace is greeted to the young writer. Ideas of topics rush to the cream white paper. Words following words like a stampede. A stampede that cannot be tamed. Like the flow of ideas rushing to the developing mind. (6-28-19) Appearance: People-watching . Her passion. Seeing humans for who they are. For their true selves. She images the feeling of being in their shoes. Experiencing their problems. Knowing their hidden emotions and talents. Since not every appearance tells the story. And not every story is in the appearance, (7-2-19)

coffee eyes: I'm stuck. You get glimpses of my story. The rest she is hiding. She has sworn me to secrecy. I want to escape. I know her game...I know her rules. She the Master i the Puppet. I am the common sense she blocks out. I'm the girl that cries to leave. I carry the pain NOT HER! I am stuck NOT HER!! Please, do not let her coffee eyes fool you. They still fool me every time i see my reflection. (7-13-19)

Hometown:  Empty beer cans..Cigarettes at every step...ash trays filled to the top....No better place to pollute your mind than our hometown. Where EVERY child blows intoxicating bubbles. And every teenage soul follows the temptation of its peers, stopping brain development. And addicts are made of adults. Where is the youth? Where has it disappeared? Where are the orange juice boxes? Where is the fallen gum? When did it become cool to blow O's instead of bubbles? Where is my true hometown? (7-19-19)

Comprehend: She could not comprehend when she changed. Just yesterday she was living her daily struggles of getting bullied and multiplication tables. Just yesterday she was the princess of her dreams and the queen of her diaries. Today she was the girl in the front row thinking about scholarships and driving. When did she change? When did she remove her barbies and lalaloopsies? When did she replace her coloring books with textbooks? When did her gummy bears turn into melatonin gummies? She did comprehend when  sixteen years or her life passed. (8/20/19)

Anxiety:  Hours pass.... foreign information enters the teenagers mind. She takes the information and stored it in the cabinet located in her medial temporal lobe. She saves it for later like a child saves their McDonald's yogurt for last. The next day arrives, she sits in front of the mentor excited to spit the codes of research she spent the whole night retaining.He passes her a white paper filled with questions. On the top it says nombre- "easy that is name i got this!" she says. Question 1- what is this... Question 2- heart beats fast.... Question 3- Foot starts tapping rapidly. Question 4- tears emerge from her eyes like soldiers ready to enter battle... Question 5- Why am i here? I am such a failure!!! She looks up to see her mentor shaking his head in slight sympathy for the broken girl. She leaves class, her bag weighs down on her shoulders as the words she stabs herself with. (8/24/19)

CLICKBAIT: He is the light to her darkness. She is the air to his life. Together they were perfect. A modern twenty-first century Ying and Yang. Yet as a child she learned nothing is perfect except the one in heaven. If they were a match made in heaven then why was she so afraid of losing him. Of losing the person who could understand her. Why was she afraid that he would just be clickbait, that she would spend forever on him just to find out she was tricked by another........ Just to find out she tricked herself once more. To find out she is the clickbait to this amazing boy who deserves the best, to find out she clickbaited her reflection that begs for the truth. (8-25-19)

Cannon: It follows her everywhere she goes. It never lets go of her. It is a burden to her cleansed mind, like air she keeps letting it in. She lives in it. ...PAIN...Though how does she get rid of it. Why won't it stop haunting her head? Where did it come from? Why is it killing her? Why does it defeat all other emotions at the end of the night? What did she do to become the victim? All she ever did was smile and make other happy but what about her. Who would release the pain in her soul, if not her. She is broken but does not give up her fight. She was born to be a warrior, so she fights and fights. And in the end of her fight she is blown with a cannon of pain....... (9-4-19)

Dear: My dear, are you real? Are you here to stay or run? Are you ready? Ready for me? Ready for her?  Ready to be the joy on days where she finds none, Where all she experiences is pain. Are you ready for the moments when all you hear is her laughter and her indentations on her cheeks appear? Are you excited when you feel your hand brush hers? Because she is, she dreams of when she will find herself looking at your brown eyes during lunch. Are you ready for the girl who has rules placed on her? Are you mad that she was raised differently and is in her castle always? If you are wanting the girl who is everything said then are you real? My dear?  (9-4-29)

Suzhalyavam: I try hard, All I want is to do is make you guys proud. I never wanted to disappoint you guys. I was trying...trying to be something y'all can be proud of. Prosti mi? Forgive me for the sixteen years of roller-coasters I drag you through. I don't know why, but you gave me unconditional love when all I did was cause damage. I will always be grateful for you guys. She loves y'all with all her heart, and does not know where she would find herself without you my heroes. - OT Merkata (obicham te mama, tati, y baba) (9-4-19)

Happen:  She knew this would happen it always happens. She always feels the painful symphony. Yet, it still hurts her. It is like  a gun shot going of on one's soul until they no longer feel the pain, because it's taken all she had. She fights it but always falls under its spell. And like a mermaid to a witch she trades one thing in exchange for it and in the end is left with nothing, except an empty abyss of torment. (9-19-19)

Why?: Why can't she find peace within herself. All she does is intake all the burdens and griefs of others, but what about her? Who was supposed to remove her troubles? Definitely not the rest. They were to busy in their own issues to notice hers. It seemed as if only she noticed others and the pain that weighs them down. All she did was bury her anger and sadness. Until it exploded and destroyed her. (9-23-19)  

Tremble: Hand trembles...leg starts shaking....heart paces...mind screams filling up with a single voice screaming in torment, her voice. She turns up her mobile volume to tune out the piercing cries that indent her sanity. Yet, no matter how much she turns up the magnitude she still finds her mouth wording h-e-l-p. Though she only says it loud enough that it reflects  into her mind....her hand trembles. (9/25/19)

Messenger Bag: She noticed herself growing distant from the one true drug that made her sane. This drug that could be fulfilled with a pen and paper, Now her best friend that she found peace in was stored on the top shelf in her disorganized closet,  It called for her every time it rained from her eyes, Yet she was too consumed in the work papers laying in her backpack. Her backpack.........not her navy journalism messenger bag that contained the answers to her calling. So she sat alone in her darkening room shedding tears, begging for a companion. When in reality it lay seven steps away. The one true help she needed. (9/25/19)

Duplicate: He was a duplicate of everything she hoped for. It was strange when she smiled...he smiled. When her mind filled with memories of the innocent ages, he accompanied her on the voyage like a companion. It felt as if they lived life in the same shoes, yet six shoe sizes and 13 months apart, she could finally relate to someone, not emotionally, but mentally. Maybe he could walk the path of peace with her...escaping those who held their sanity. It was as if she found what she searched for and he found what searched for him. (10-14-19)

Mistake: Finally her life was together, but was it? Why was she still shutting herself out from the rest when it was clear that she had a support group? Why did she still cry every day? It wasn't because of grades rocking like a ship on sail. It wasn't because of her lack of friends. She had a lot of great ones building her positivity up daily. It was... because of her. She still was not proud of herself. Yes, she started her journey at a rough spot, and now she is in a high position with companions that own good morals. Yes, she did a complete 180 and changed. Yet her disappointment was a constant 360. She loved and hated herself at the same time, calling herself a mistake like they did most of her life until they stopped, but she didn't.... (10-16-19)

Independent: She should have known that it was a scam. It was always the same misleading after effect that she felt, but something told her this time it will be different. He would be different. Yet, here she sat carrying the weight she had gotten used to. She did not have time for this rubbish and this silly game of jokes. She did not have time for this scam, it was time for her to pull out the antidote. To focus on her career and improvement. She will not repeat the same mistakes that have held her captive, instead she will stand strong and independent. (10-27-19)

Mine: How could it hurt so much, to lose something that was never hers  to begin with. To lose something she desired and dreamed of. He does not belong to her yet she finds pain every time she sees him, because she knows he will never feel the same feelings she does. She knew craving him and trying to catch his eyes was waste of time, yet she still tried and still she would not learn .. she had given him her all and was left with nothing. (11/4/19)

Excuse: She should just stop trying. No matter what she does she will never be good enough. She tries so hard to help them out and do her best while maintaining life, yet it is never seen to them. They don't know about the stress she deals with. They don't know about her attempts to please everyone's needs while ignoring her own. But what was the point if they knew? It would be labeled as an "excuse"So why even try? (11/4/19)

Sunday: You come back every Sunday to your usual places. I see you do your normal routine. Order a cup of coffee barely making it there, then you find an empty table and pull out your weekly newspaper. A perfect source you say..... you say many wise things while your days are on countdown. I wish I could know you more you seem like a hero one that is captive in their own stories. Oh! And here come the ladies with their knitting supplies, always gossiping, never stopping for a breath. Doesn't it get tiring?  Meeting every Sunday to talk of others. Is your life not interesting enough? Are you not battling issues with your morals?  So why do you discuss other's issues. Yet every person is different, and I am not a hypocrite to judge..otherwise i would be seating with a black yarn making myself a ball of joy. (11/10/19)

Suffer: For weeks she lay immobile. Day by day, her hope of escaping the intense tragedies vanished. She realized this was beyond her. Evil held the controller to her life in his hands watching her suffer for weeks. He took her loyal companion. He took her strength. And worst of all he did it with a smile on his face.... (12/18/19) 

Maya: I can remember you as if you never left. You were my first friend. My first little angel..... I can still hear you barking at approaching cars. I can still feel your little body in my arms. I still find your fur all over my room.Do you think about me too? How can I ever let go of you, you will always be on my heart, even when you are in a paradise and relieved of pain. I wish I could get to hold you once more and kiss your forehead  while whispering to you "thank you for being there with  me through the tough time, I will always love you” - for my lovely chihuahua who is in a better place. I love you Maya rest in peace 12/8/19 

2018